Winter SOULstice 2011

I am at a place in life where I can actually feel the evolution of myself. I see the change because I am the change. Not long ago I was ranting and complaining, struggling and paining about the ills of life while still celebrating “the good times” in between time. I refer to most past moments of programming and brainwash as “the good times” because in truth all of them weren’t so “good” [not all bad either]. It’s not that I wasn’t a positive person, I just thought it was normal to care what people thought, go to church on Sundays, over think, be in school, have a decent job, keep secrets, gossip, celebrate holidays, stay in broken relationships, etc. I thought it was normal to pretend I wasn’t a lesbian on the job and to have a drink at the group outing when my spirit deemed otherwise. I used to pray all the time and ask God to take away my troubles- forgive me of my sins; I used to ask God for a lot actually. 

I wasn’t aware of who I was- my true self. I thought I was feeling me, but I was only nourishing Ego and neglecting my soul. I was attached to everything outside of me. Lost and spinning my wheels, but commercialized to feel as though I’m succeeding [because of outward approval; because some lost soul says “I think you’re the shit” and then Ego runs rampant. When whole time you’re a reflection of the misguided fool who hyped you up]. I had no control of my life- weighing myself down with unnecessary burdens. Worry and fear conquered me. I remember my spirit would speak to my soul and give my mind the answers, but I listened very little. Instead Ego created justifications and uncertainty about my misdirection in life. Pride [Ego] didn’t enable me to seek a different route because in that now I didn’t know I was lost. You can’t make a change within you if you don’t see anything wrong with you.

 We go through a lot and fret until we wake up and realize it all manifests this way for some reason- for some lesson. Everyone endures shit. We break our necks trying to abide by our mothers, fathers, teachers, and mis-educated lovers’ beliefs. Sometimes we can be judgmental and retrospective because we haven’t identified with who we really are, so we critique the reflections outside of us. We lose ourselves because we’ve never fully gained ourselves- we’ve grown out of touch with the identity that belongs to us because of mal influence. Oh, we have all been rubbed off on in this lifetime. I actually had to catch hold of myself and comprehend that I was a real energy with the power to heal me, change me, and motivate me. I didn’t need to look outside of myself.

A few days before the Solstice some past visitors dropped past my spirit to say hello. Their names are Ego, Insecurity, and Anger. Although I never like to acknowledge their faces, I’m glad they stopped past. Their presence reminded me exactly of what I do not want to carry with me into the new season and the new year. I combated this past by communicating my feelings with my partner (never be in denial of any emotion- accept it, so that you can change it). She encouraged me to fast for a few days during this time as a sure way to keep my spirit sound. This way I can detect everything I’m feeling and filter the negative from the positive emotions. It hasn’t been too difficult, but it hasn’t been at all easy.

So, this is my first Winter Solstice or should I say “SOULstice”- a time for introspection. Technically it’s my 23rd Solstice, but I’ve never been so in tuned with the Mother Nature and her seasonal changes to really be attentive to it. I’m sure this is because I’ve never been so in touch with myself. My Partner and best friend, Love (Brooke), made me conscious of this change in time and how critical it is redefine ourselves, our intentions, and what we would like to manifest furthermore. I want to thank her [Love], for she is a significant part of my progress as a woman and accepting who I am. It is important to release all toxic energies that we may be harboring and to completely detach ourselves from the past during this time. I’ve come far and since we’re all connected I know you all [reading this] have too come far within yourselves. Although we have come far, there is still much work that needs to be done.

 There is only humility, peace [peax], and love. 

On that note, I'm off to drink some tea! Happy Winter Soulstice!

-Peax (Johnee)